Thankful, thankful, thankfulness

When I was younger, there was a Berenstain Bears video where Momma Bear sang a song about being thankful, and I’m pretty sure that’s where the title of this blog originates.

In any case, the point is that I needed to write a post to tell you guys how awesome life has been lately and how thankful I am to God for it.

This kind of thing usually happens after a major crash with me. Angst, angst, angst and then suddenly the realization that life isn’t not only not so bad, but actually freaking awesome. And it is. Not because I’ve done anything different or done anything that even deserves any of the greatness that exists in my life, but just because God is awesome and he pours that awesomeness out on me in showers and buckets and tubs. Hopefully this time it’ll stick.

So, why is it awesome?

For one thing, my family is amazing. I am being reminded all the time how great they are, how much they love me and how supported I am, no matter what happens. I have great friends too, probably more than I let on.

Not only that, but I have access to great doctors. I got my wisdom teeth pulled this weekend, and although it hurt and still does hurt (two dry sockets, ugh), I’m just amazed at what they can do and the medicine they have to make me feel better.

AND, I am a good writer (thank you Jesus!). I still have a lot of work to do, and it’s going to take me some time to get there, but I’ve also had this incredible change of attitude (thank God) about my work again in the last couple weeks or so. Not only have I been reminded that my writing isn’t bad (at a crucial time, no less, thanks to Storium, which was just a really awesome experience for which I am incredibly grateful both to the community there and the phenomenal writers I get to work with who helped us all get there and who have done such an awesome job), but I’ve also been encouraged that it’s good. I am reminded of why I love Machine and what I hope it could and can and will be. Edits no longer seem tedious or discouraging, but like a bright new task I can’t wait to tackle. And while it could be disappointing in some ways to know I still haven’t made it to that ethereal “there” writers dream of, I’m also remembering once again why I’ve sunk so much time into this in the first place, the reason I love my story and why I won’t give up, to say nothing of finally being able to appreciate the fact that I’m not there, to be glad of where I am right now in this moment.

It feels as if I’m learning (or perhaps better, being reminded of) the value of my current condition. I feel there is more reason to my being where I am now than my own dismal failure to do or be something else, and I am seeing more and more of the impact I can and do have on the people and places around me right here, where I am, in Storium, at work, and even here, on this blog. Ironically, it feels as if all the years I have put in towards making or becoming or doing something are finally paying off in the person I’m becoming, and I’m accomplishing even less to do it. And maybe that doesn’t make sense. Or maybe it’s just the comfort that after all these years of clawing against what’s always felt like an endless wall of dirt and stones, I’m finally coming to realize this snug little hole is right were I’ve always belonged, that the years that I have worked to become myself have not been alone, but with God right beside me, digging out with his own hands the person I have become.

He is my  home.


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