Last night I had a meltdown.
In all honesty, I had been expecting it for some time.
It’s been about three and a half weeks since I left for London, and though things have gotten easier, God is still doing a lot of work in me, and as is so often the case when that happens, that means growing pains. The last near-month has been way harder than I could have imagined, and honestly, had I known what it would be like, I’m not sure I would have come, even knowing as I do now that goodness and fruit will come out of it, though I hope once all is said and done I’ll be able to say differently.
But the point of this post is not to complain, but to worship and point to truth.
See, as much as I am in emotional, spiritual and even physical pain here on a fairly regular basis, I am also realizing a lot about myself that I wouldn’t have been able to see if I had stayed where I was. For example, I’m learning more about how I hear God, communicate, love and learn. I’m fighting spiritual battles in ways I didn’t imagine I ever would, and learning new skills I didn’t think I would ever pick up.
I am also realizing that I still have a lot more identity, trust and–related to both–anger issues than I knew I still had.
One of the most important things I’ve been learning about is control, especially just how much I need to give it up.
For the sake of a reasonably-sized post, I digress.
I’ve spent a lot of my time here questioning whether or not I can actually do this, how I could get home (and if I should), and whether or not I’m meant to be here at all. There’s been a lot of self-doubt and questioning, but what I’ve slowly been realizing (or re-realizing, I suppose) is that it ultimately comes down to a single question, the final question, the only one there ever really is.
Am I going to believe God or am I going to believe myself?
Because in a lot of ways, I don’t want to be here. I don’t think I can do this. I don’t have the strength, I don’t, I don’t, I don’t.
And yet God says I do and I can, through Him. He will give me strength, He is all I need, and He has called me here. Further, He loves me, He’s chosen me, and I’m not just weird or broken, but created by a loving God who loves me exactly the way He created me.
What’s strange and a little scary is that I can’t even imagine what it would be like to live without the anger I have. Heck, I’m even a little scared to find out what that would be like. And it’s not like I’m an overly or overtly angry person. I am actually pretty calm on the exterior, and even when people do make me angry, it’s exceedingly rare for me to fly off the handle.
But the hard fact of the matter is, when things get really hard, the thing I fall back on is anger, and the idea of swapping that out for God, for someone I have no control over whatsoever, who I am afraid will let me down even though I know in my head He never could, is terrifying. How much safer, even if it is worse, would it be to stick to what I know? Mistrust, guarded-ness, self-protection, control?
Except that’s not how God wants me to live. He wants me to do things with Him, to be open to Him and other people, to have faith that His word is true and that the promises I read in His word apply to me.
So, ultimately, who am I going to believe?
Thankfully God is graceful enough that I already have my answer. I know God’s will is true, that it is perfect, and I know that eventually, with His help, I will believe it in my heart too.
I just hope that it will be sooner than later.